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Aaron Hernandez: the shocking soon-to-be-told story

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is under investigation with the killing of his friend. WCSN contributing writer Brock Alton peers into the future to tell us how this sad saga will turn out.

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is under investigation with the killing of his friend. WCSN contributing writer Brock Alton peers into the future to tell us how this sad saga will turn out.

As you have undoubtedly heard by now, an arrest warrant has been issued for the arrest New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez.

Authorities are not yet accusing Hernandez of murdering Odin Lloyd, found dead near Hernandez’s home a few nights ago, but they are accusing him of destroying his cell phone and home security system, as well as having his home cleaned professionally, to obstruct the investigation into Lloyd’s death.

Travel with me now into the future, so I may show you how will end the ballad of Aaron Hernandez.

Spy games

Reports are coming in that Massachusetts State Police officers have surrounded Gillette Stadium and the two adjacent practice fields of the New England Patriots. They seek Aaron Hernandez, accused of obstruction of justice, as a person of interest to a murder investigation. Special agents for the National Security Agency (NSA) tune in from Washington, their popcorn reaching final preparations just in time for the coming fireworks.

One such Agent, Riggs, has been assigned to track every move of each and every New England Patriots player. A lifelong resident of Boston, Riggs has had a soft spot for Hernandez since he scampered for 42 yards against the Denver Broncos in the 2011 NFL playoffs. Risking career, family, and perhaps even his life, Riggs texts Hernandez and tips him off.

Aaron Hernandez, still in the Patriots locker room having an ankle taped, reads the text. He doesn’t know who it is coming from, but the clipped, authoritative tone convinces him the time for action is at hand.

He looks around. Only one other teammate is remains in the area: Tom Brady, who is sitting outside of his locker casually pushing up his cuticles. Hernandez briskly walks over to the quarterback, grabs him by his hair, and orders him to walk. With a squeak, Brady readily complies as Hernandez hauls him into a boiler room at the bottom of Gillette Stadium.

Emotions -- and tears -- flowed readily as New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady recounted his role in the unfortunate incident.

Emotions — and tears — flowed readily as New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady recounted his role in the unfortunate incident.

Real-time coverage

Luckily for all of America — nay, the world — a certain four-letter network has lodged itself permanently in the Patriot’s excretory system. An intrepid reporter for said network — let’s call her Rochelle Nickels — sees Hernandez leading Brady along, and falls in behind. When the duo settles in in the boiler room, Nickels takes out her camera and begins to shoot. The world will see the drama unfold.

Almost immediately, Brady begins to beg for his life. Hernandez tries to calm him, explaining to Brady the he was only taken because he was the nearest individual, that Hernandez has no intention of harming him, and that he simply needs a negotiation chip to secure transportation out of the area. None of these soothing words penetrate the aura of fear Brady has built up around himself.

Ten minutes later, after Brady threatens that Hernandez will have to “answer to Gisele” for approximately the twentieth time, Hernandez decides he has had enough and cuffs Brady upside the head, knocking him out cold.

An hour passes with Hernandez sitting over Brady, waiting for officer to arrive so the negotiation can begin. He jumps as a man enters through room, heavily muscled, imposing, sporting a military bearing.

The figure that emerges into the light is revealed to be fellow tight end Rob Gronkowski. Hernandez breathes a sigh of relief.

Gronk, not realizing that anything is amiss, waves and calls out, “Hey, Tommy!”

When Brady doesn’t respond, Gronk looks hurt. Then Gronk notices Hernandez and his smile returns. He tears off his shirt and flexes both biceps. Maintaining his pose, Gronk turns to a dusty steel boiler and admires his distorted reflection. He laughs and walks out.

The power of the pink loincloth compels you.

The power of the pink loincloth compels you.

Tipping point

Gronk must have reported what he saw to someone gifted with a bit more insight, because after another hour a cell phone is slipped into the boiler room. Hernandez picks it up and commences negotiations with authorities. Despite several tense conversations and some seeming movement on both sides, an impasse is ultimately reached. Hernandez hangs up with a look of wild desperation.

For the first time, Nickels — and America along with her — gets the feeling this may not turn out well.

Just then, as things look grimmest, in walks America’s favorite, most despised son, Timothy Tebow. He approaches Hernandez cautiously and goes down on one knee before him. Tebow looks meaningfully into Hernandez’s eyes before bending slightly forward, arcing his neck towards his foremost thigh, placing his elbow upon that same thigh, and resting his forehead upon an upturned fist.

The power of “the Tebow” fills Hernandez. Tom Brady awakens and simpers hopefully. Tebow engages Hernandez using techniques he culled from The Purpose Driven Life, successfully calming him down.

After only ten minutes of the most genuine conversation Hernandez has ever had with anyone, he sees the beginning and the end, all the darkness and the light, all the beauty and the ugliness, and all the sadness and the hope of the world in Tebow’s eyes, Tebow’s heart, Tebow’s very soul.

He stands up and moves away from Brady. He walks to Tim. They hug.

The shocking conclusion

From the gloom emerges the shadowy figure of head coach Bill Belichick. The nation watches in fascination as he silently approaches Hernandez from behind, neither rushing nor permitting a moment’s hesitation.

Tebow’s eyes widen in horror. Brady’s beam with love.

Abruptly Belichick pounces. Eyes devoid of any emotion, he sinks his teeth into Hernandez’s throat, slashing it wide oven.

Hernandez slumps , bleeding out on the floor. Tebow returns to the pose bearing his regal name and prays. Brady throws himself into the arms of Belichick, bawling and laughing at once.

Nickels says a few last words into her camera and signs off, secure in the knowledge that she will a shoo-in for numerous journalistic awards.

Without skipping a beat, the four-letter network returns to coverage of the Washington Redskins training camp, where quarterback Robert Griffin III is stretching.

As the old saying goes, all's well that ends well.

As the old saying goes, all’s well that ends well.

302 comments
tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

I know I'm late, but this was awesome.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

Why hasn't the BBAO been posted this morning?

Dom Capers Did Nothing Wrong
Dom Capers Did Nothing Wrong

Is it just me or does the construction of all these humongous buildings make it seem like the Middle East is compensating for something?

Dom Capers Did Nothing Wrong
Dom Capers Did Nothing Wrong

Kingdom Tower is a huge skyscraper soon to be built in Saudi Arabia.  At 1000m it will be the new tallest building the world.  It will be constructed by the Bin Laden family.

G & G
G & G moderator

What's fucking wrong with Chris Kluwe?

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

I'd post some lions articles but im pretty sure im the only one who cares.

Maized and Confused
Maized and Confused

By the Way.

I love this article, BP. If I knew how to nominate things for awards, I would.

niemerg1
niemerg1

This is a funny role reversal with the whole Snowden story: USA pursuing a person who appears to be defending the Constitution... Russia protecting such individual. This a bizarre turn of events.

Maized and Confused
Maized and Confused

So is anyone buying the "Beautiful Sparkleponies" Book by Chris Kluwe?

I hear it costs -$75K

Nardo - 8-8 Is Great
Nardo - 8-8 Is Great

Anyone who wants to cry about Man of Steel not being good simply had a different idea going in what the movie would be like.  It's not like the typical Superman movies.  It's a bad idea going into movies which preconceived notions or thinking the entire movie follows a 1-minute trailer.

G & G
G & G moderator

World War Z...

CRAP!!!!!!

LKP
LKP

DVRs Cheesheads. What's up ladies and gents. Mostly ladies

MIB Baby Bird Whisperer
MIB Baby Bird Whisperer moderator

I'm going to have a hard time getting to work on time tomorrow, whether the Hawks win or lose tonight.

Nardo - 8-8 Is Great
Nardo - 8-8 Is Great

So the Packers aren't tough and we have a new reality show which will display the true nature of the Cheesehead fanbase.  What a glorious Monday morning!

G & G
G & G moderator

Excellent article, BP.

Dr. Reginald
Dr. Reginald moderator

So, I went off on someone on the NFCS Blog.



havent done that in.......idk how long..


I'm gonna stay here for a bit.

Buhlitz
Buhlitz

alright just got back

ate some cake and rice crispy treats (covered an chocolate), drank some coke, sat around talked with people, left

Buhlitz
Buhlitz

time to go to my neighbors graduation party

0125
0125 moderator

Grand Salami for Brian McCann! Take that Brewers