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Football Nostradamus 2013: AFC edition

Despite the best efforts of quarterback Andy Dalton and wide receiver Andre Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals will miss the playoffs in 2013.

Despite the best efforts of quarterback Andy Dalton and wide receiver A.J. Green, the Cincinnati Bengals will miss the playoffs in 2013.

Spoiler Alert: I am about to take the drama out of the 2013 NFL regular season. In fact, I’m about to ruin all of your fun.

Well, not all your fun. We know New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez will do something hilariously stupid that no one could ever predict, while Oakland Raiders fans will still be sure their can put it together and make a playoff run in Week 12 when they are 3-8.

Still, I am going to destroy all of the surprise as I plot out the roller coaster ride before it even happens. If you are wise, you will place a few well-placed bets, reap the benefits of my prescience, and ease your inevitable sorrow with an expensive new toy.

If you need to remind yourself of the grading scale by which my prognostications will be scored, be sure to review the first installment of this two-part series.

Since every good contest needs an official, I hereby appoint Troy Monson to arbitrate any the validity of any borderline outcomes and agree to abide by his decision.

So here are my bold — and not-so-bold — visions for the upcoming season . . . AFC style.

AFC East

  1. The Buffalo Bills will change starting quarterbacks at least three times during the season.
  2. Buffalo will have the heaviest run/ pass ratio in the NFL.
  3. Buffalo will finish the season in the bottom five in yards allowed and points scored.
  4. New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is fired before the end of the year. General manager John Idzik, Jr. tabs a offensive coach with a reputation for building quarterbacks. Jon Gruden’s name bandied about, and the job is his if he wants it.
  5. Miami Dolphins defensive end Dion Jordan wins Defensive Rookie of the Year.
  6. Chris Ivory loses the No. 1 running back job by Week 8, having averaged less than four yards per carry behind the Jets offensive line.
  7. Miami wins at least five games by four points or less
  8. Lamar Miller validates Miami’s decision to part ways with running back Reggie Bush by exceeding Bush’s rushing stats from 2012 (986 yards and six touchdowns). If general manager Jeff Ireland changes his mind and re-signs fullback Vontae Leach, Miller’s numbers soar to 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns.
  9. Lead by cornerback Brent Grimes and linebacker Dannell Ellerbe, Miami intercepts their AFC East brethren at least eight times over the six divisional contests.
  10. Always two steps ahead of the competition and willing to morph his team to its talents, New England Patriots head coach hBill Belichick leans heavily on the screen pass. The running backs have at least 100 catches on over 160 targets for over 1,000 yads.

Final records

  • New England Patriots: 9-7 (25nd)
  • Miami Dolphins: 9-7 (21st)
  • New York Jets: 4-12 (3rd)
  • Buffalo Bills: 1-15 (1st)

AFC North

  1. The Cleveland Browns defense creates more turnovers than the offense scores touchdowns.
  2. The Browns are .500 after Week 6.
  3. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders has the best year of his career, topping 700 yards and three touchdowns.
  4. Steelers safety Troy Polamalu wins Comeback Player of the Year.
  5. Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton (or, as I call him, the Matt Ryan acolyte) and wide receiver A.J. Green miss the playoffs for the first time. (Yes, technically, I am doubling down here, but I’m making an unpopular and risky pick, so I don’t see a problem.)
  6. Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown finishes with double-digit touchdowns.
  7. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger plays in all 16 games.
  8. Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden loses the starting job before Week 11.
  9. Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith tops 1,000 yards for the first time.
  10. Bengals tight end Jermaine Gresham scores over six touchdowns.

Final records

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: 11-5 (27th)
  • Baltimore Ravens: 9-7 (18th)
  • Cincinnati Bengals: 9-7 (17th)
  • Cleveland Browns: 4-12 (4th)

AFC South

  1. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins wins the Offensive Rookie of the Year.
  2. When healthy, Blaine Gabbert remains the starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars.
  3. Although still a bottom dweller, Jacksonville improves its points differential from -179 to less than -100.
  4. Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson reminds the world that he is Hall of Fame candidate with 1,300 yards rushing and 250 yards receiving.
  5. Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt produces a career high in receptions (over 42) and yards (over 775).
  6. Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey outgains and outscores teammate T.Y. Hilton.
  7. Colts quarterback Andrew Luck deftly avoids the sophomore slump by having underperformed as a rookie. He improves to over a 58-percent completion rate and 4,400 yards, throwing fewer than 17 interceptions to make a big improvement on his 65 passer rating.
  8. Nevertheless, Indianapolis misses the playoffs.
  9. Although the Texans easily make the playoffs, they have fewer than five players in the Pro Bowl.
  10. Indy coach Chuck Pagano beats luekemia but loses his job after winning fewer games than Bruce Arians.

Final records

  • Houston Texans: 11-5 (29th)
  • Tennessee Titans: 6-10 (12th)
  • Indianapolis Colts: 5-11 (8th)
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: 5-11 (6th)

AFC West

  1. Oakland sucks. Okay, too easy. Put it this way: the AFC West dominate the Raiders by at least a 1-5 win/loss margin.
  2. “Money for nothing and chicks for free.” Not that it matters, but Raiders wide receiver Rod Streater produces 900 yards and six touchdowns.
  3. The San Diego Chargers have a filled a roster of players who looked better on better teams. Unless Manti Te’o’s girlfriend is both a great return specialist and a super-sleeper at running back, things are bound to get worse before they get better. San Diego finishes in the bottom five in points differential.
  4. Denver Broncos running back Montee Ball gets fewer than 175 touches and seven touchdowns.
  5. Denver ranks in the top five in points scored per game.
  6. The Kansas City Chiefs get 800 yards and eight touchdowns from their tight ends.
  7. Although it will be a highly productive season for Chiefs running back Jamaal Charles, he will have his worst year in yards per carry.
  8. Dwayne Bowe extends his fraud as an above-average wide receiver with a 1,000-yard, seven-touchdown season. (Incidentally, Kansas City head coach Andy Reid will see through the con and bring in a true professional in 2014.)
  9. Chiefs cornerback Brandon Flowers makes the ProBowl.
  10. Denver will have three receivers with over 900 yards and two rushers over 700 yards.

Final records

  • Denver Broncos: 12-4 (31st)
  • Kansas City Chiefs: 12-4 (28th)
  • San Diego Chargers: 6-10 (11th)
  • Oakland Raiders: 3-13 (2nd)
1028 comments
JVince 11
JVince 11

So how many of you guys know the comedian John Caparulo?

gatrbuc17 again
gatrbuc17 again moderator

What's with you guys and bears this morning. I get to see enough bears around here and none of them are nice and cuddly.

JVince 11
JVince 11

So what is the 411 on Sheriff Floyd's knee?

The Real CJammin
The Real CJammin

Ok let me clarify for those that were not here:  

1.  I said you need longevity to be elite

2.  I was clearly being sarcastic when I said RG3 was elite.

G & G
G & G moderator

@JVince 11 Not me, but at least he has a funny name

JVince 11
JVince 11

@niemerg1 that actually really looks like a girl I used to bone in HS...

Cheeky Bastard
Cheeky Bastard

@niemerg1 i can still see the boob flopping on the sides of the pic, that's enough to fap with

Childerz...
Childerz...

@niemerg1 ........................................................................... I hate you. 

Childerz...
Childerz...

@JVince 11 Nothing more than a bruise, which is why they believed it was more sore the following day... he was practicing last night 

bp.
bp. moderator

@ethan_fitz01 I like that it s making a contemplative/depressed face.

JVince 11
JVince 11

@niemerg1 This is completely true.. I worked at a Hollywood Video in HS... and if people were rude or talking on their phone the whole time while checking out or complaining about them returning ga DVD late and getting a late fee.. i would do this kind of shit... or if they rent a game.. i would "forget" to put the game in the case.

bp.
bp. moderator

@niemerg1 And fuck anyone who goes to a "DVD store."

Childerz...
Childerz...

@JVince 11 He did a few one on one's and sat 50/50 ... idk if he'll play Friday or not though. 

JVince 11
JVince 11

@___bp___ @JVince 11 @niemerg1 nope.. but I do remember numerous times that when someone came to the line that my manager knew had a TON of late fees and that they would bitch.. she would go lock herself in her office and let me deal with them... 


they usually calmed down or yelled at me in spanish and left.