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WCS Week 12 Power Rankings: You can’t keep a bad team down

The Seattle Seahawks successfully defended their position atop the Water Cooler Sports Power Rankings in Week 12.

The Seattle Seahawks successfully defended their position atop the Water Cooler Sports Power Rankings in Week 12.

Proctologistics

It only took 57 weeks, but the Jacksonville Jaguars have finally floated to the top of the toilet bowl, besting that sinking turd, the Houston Texans, to shed their 32nd ranking. Congratulations! You’re finally a bowel movement your parents can be proud of.

Football fandom is a very unique experience for the diehard. It twists his emotions, warps his morality.

A true fan often resides in an alternate reality, where good and bad, right and wrong take on new meanings, and loyalty and bias trump honesty and empathy as coveted virtues.

As a Chicago Bears fan, I am bound by my loyalty to hate the Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, and Detroit Lions. Yes, hate – an emotion normally reserved for the most despicable acts, and lowest forms of life in my daily life.

But it doesn’t stop there. I don’t just want these teams to lose every week; I revel in my glee when they do lose.

In life, I wish the best for everybody, my enemies included. Obviously I want to succeed, and I wish the best for my family and friends, but that doesn’t make me wish for others to fail. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I lose sleep when some douchebag suffers or gets what he has coming, but I don’t derive enjoyment from his suffering. My typical response might be sadness or pity.

Such is not the case with football.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are rising on wings of doves.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are rising on wings of doves.

Watching the Lions blow a lead and lose a game brings a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that could heat a small village (of Bears fans). Witnessing the suffering of Packer fans as they sweat through the loss of quarterback Aaron Rodgers gives me a smug sense of satisfaction.

Fandom has not turned me into a complete monster, though. I can separate the game from life.

While I may enjoy the suffering of Packer fans as they bounce from one shitty quarterback to another, I can also empathize with their plight. After all, Chicago is not exactly a quarterback mecca.

And while I may celebrate the demise of the Vikings and the self-destructive nature of the Lions, there is a part of me that wishes they can right their wrongs. I not only want my team to win, I want to be associated with the best division in the NFL. I want to beat the best.

Football brings me great joy, but it pales in comparison to my day to day.

I am a father of two, and my greatest joy is my boys. I want them to be happy and healthy. I enjoy music, sunny days, and a good game of darts.

I am fortunate that I can pour my heart into a game I love, then set it aside in a moment to center my life on more meaningful endeavors.

This ability to step away keeps me sane, impartial (to a degree), and has saved the lives of at least two dogs, not to mention a couple of family members.

Enough of that shit. Let’s get back to football.

You said it

LKP: Oh putting the Bears ahead of the Lions. Lions pull away this week. Boombaya.

JJ: I’m buying you a helmet for Christmas. Also, avoid gambling, investments, and any activity that involves risk.

SDL: Usually, I find these things unworthy of comment. However, the Packers beat the Ravens in their house and have a better record; ergo ranking them ahead of the Packers is pure poppycock.

JJ: In the last four weeks you lost to the Bears, Eagles, Giants, and tied the Vikings. Only Atlanta and Houston have done worse. *sips poppycock*

Who’s hot

The Tennessee Titans have (for the moment) grabbed the final Wild Card spot in the AFC.

Who’s not

For the second week in a row, the Houston Texans have reached a new low.

Honorable mention

The Arizona Cardinals have quietly amassed the fifth best record in the NFC.

It’s time to rank ’em and spank ’em!

Week 12 Power Rankings

Ranking
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(2)
Seattle Seahawks10-1The banned substances list is not a suggestion.
2
(4)
Carolina Panthers8-3"Uh, I just thank God for the ability to football."
--Cam Newton
3
(5)
New Orleans Saints9-2Still think you can't be beat in the dome?
4
(7)
New England Patriots8-3Good thing Rob Gronkowski wasn't a mass murderer.
5
(1)
Denver Broncos9-2Congratulations, you've changed my view of what I consider a safe lead.
6
(3)
Kansas City Chiefs9-2Check your pants; I think you sharted.
7
(10)
San Francisco 49ers7-4I'm not sure I feel good about beating up on the Redskins right before Thanksgiving.
8
(8)
Cincinnatti Bengals7-4Your success is making Cris Collinsworth more unbearable than usual.
9
(11)
Arizona Cardinals7-4You must have taken Aaron Rodgers' advice on how to deal with cancer patients.
10
(6)
Indianapolis Colts7-4Really? Reggie Wayne is all it took?
11
(18)
Pittsburgh Steelers5-6If you want it, you have to take it. Too bad your games aren't played in women's restrooms.
12
(19)
Baltimore Ravens5-6I may be in a minority, but I believe Flacco has two C's.
13
(13)
Philadelphia Eagles6-5You're going to drive Michael Vick back into dog fighting.
14
(15)
Dallas Cowboys6-5I haven't seen Jerry Jones smile so much since he touched me when I was seven.
15
(23)
Saint Louis Rams5-6Jeff Fisher still has the best porn 'stache.
16
(9)
Chicago Bears6-5Midgets of the Midway isn't working for you.
17
(12)
Detroit Lions6-5"Never before have so many done so little with so much." --Winston Schwarchill
18
(24)
Tennessee Titans5-6You are way too high, but you currently hold the sixth seed.
19
(20)
Green Bay Packers5-5-1Sad when a tie with the Vikings, at Lambeau, is a moral victory.
20
(14)
Miami Dolphins5-6How does it feel to sit down at a table, and have the rest of the NFL get up and walk away?
21
(17)
New York Jets5-6Monkey off your back! You finally broke the streak of winning every other week.
22
(26)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers3-8You do realize you're saving Greg Schiano's job, right?
23
(16)
New York Giants4-7See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
24
(28)
San Diego Chargers5-6Sybil Rivers strikes again.
25
(25)
Buffalo Bills4-7Don't get all smug and act like you wouldn't have picked Geno Smith.
26
(21)
Oakland Raiders4-7Remember the Titans? Oops, you're trying to forget that. Sorry.
27
(22)
Cleveland Browns4-7Pssst! You get Jacksonville next week.
*wink wink*
28
(30)
Minnesota Vikings2-8-1So you're saying there's a chance?
29
(27)
Washington Redskins3-8If it's any consolation, I think you'll be one of the last to be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
30
(29)
Atlanta Falcons2-9Take it from a Cubs fan: there's always next year.
31
(32)
Jacksonville Jaguars2-9Onions, baby! Onions!
32
(31)
Houston Texans2-9Wow! Just . . . wow!
936 comments
ARodge is the GOAT... Fact.  Period.
ARodge is the GOAT... Fact. Period.

My wife is a very talented photographer.  This was, however, my camera and I didn't have the auto-focus adjusted correctly.

The wife and daughters were on the field for about an hour.  ARodge was clowning around and looking healthy and happy... more coming

http://i.imgur.com/tI54PZz.jpg

LKP
LKP

PFF still ranks Matt Staffford 3rd best QB in the league. Boombaya

Andylet445
Andylet445

PFF also rated the macarana as the best wedding group dance. 

niemerg1
niemerg1

wow. that gif really is of emma watson. nice

bp.
bp. moderator

@Staffords_Glove I think we can all agree on these particular women, who do not have 18-packs and traps Ahnold would die for.

natesweet
natesweet moderator

@SDL Rodgers and I have the same mustache right now.

Andylet445
Andylet445

how many balls does one guy need?

LKP
LKP

@SDL Rodgers was ruled out though

bp.
bp. moderator

@SDL He looks 100 years old.

Andylet445
Andylet445

@Benjamin Rajile"You must have taken Aaron Rodgers' advice on how to deal with cancer patients." 

still my favorite line.

bp.
bp. moderator

@Fire Schwartz and Linehan He might be.  Bush is good in space though.  Its all about using him right.

I like Bell.  Tough little bastid.

bp.
bp. moderator

@niemerg1 Emma is a taudry lass, but no one should be surprised, since british girls like to fuck.

I've studied it.  Scientifically.

LKP
LKP

@Tony don't retire The rewards outweight the risks despite 8 picks, 8 drops and 56% completion to Calvin

bp.
bp. moderator

@niemerg1 @bp. I made up a word.  Totally different thing.